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|Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn’t be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example, observe the following examples below.The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means “bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax” depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, “ko-kou-ko-le,” which can be loosely translated as “happiness in the mouth.”In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan “Come alive with the Pepsi Generation” came out as “Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead.”Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan “finger-lickin’ good” came out as “eat your fingers off.”The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, “Salem - Feeling Free,” got translated in the Japanese market into “When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty.”When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that “no va” means “it won’t go.” After the company figured out why it wasn’t selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word “embarazar” meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that “It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.”An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of the desired “I Saw the Pope” in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed “I Saw the Potato.”Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

|There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

|An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says ” We’re having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive”The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers “God Save The Queen” and jumps.The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers “Viva La France” and he also jumps.This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers “Remember the Alamo” and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

|Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.Brits: Can’t possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad. Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates. Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.Canadians: Believe that that’s the government’s job. Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.Canadians: Can’t agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.Canadians: Don’t, but only because they can’t get more American channels.Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it “English”.Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it “English”.Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.Aussies: Add “G’day”, “mate” and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to be cool.Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.Americans: Drink weak, bad-tasting beer.Canadians: Drink strong, bad-tasting beer.Brits: Drink warm, bad-tasting beer.Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it. Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect. Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

|There were three Aggies; one crane operator, one pole climber, one guide. The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole. The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end. The climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape measure which the guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The crane operator then lowered the pole to the ground and repsitioned to pick up another pole. This went on several times when the foreman came over and asked why they couldn’t measure the poles while they were laying on the ground? The Aggies replied, “we need to know how tall the poles are, not how long”.

|Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.1. The bandage was wound around the wound.2. The farm was used to produce produce.3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.4. We must polish the Polish furniture.5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.10. I did not object to the object.11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.13. They were too close to the door to close it.14. The buck does funny things when does are present.15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

|Did you know that “verb” is a noun? How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can’t spell them? If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know? If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren’t two houses hice? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? If you’ve read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn’t this also mean that you would have to “member” somebody in order to remember them? In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same? Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable? Is there another word for a synonym? Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for “monosyllabic”? What is another word for “thesaurus”? Where do swear words come from? Why can’t you make another word using all the letters in “anagram”? Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? Why do people use the word “irregardless”? Why do some people type “cool” as “kewl?” Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? Why do we say something’s out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works? Why does “cleave” mean both split apart and stick together? Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing? Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing? Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof? Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug? Why doesn’t “onomatopoeia” sound like what it is? Why don’t we say “why” instead of “how come”? Why is “crazy man” an insult, while to insert a comma and say “Crazy, man!” is a compliment? Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites? Why is abbreviation such a long word? Why is dyslexic so hard to spell? Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC? Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple? Why is it that the word “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary? Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital? Why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese? Why isn’t “palindrome” spelled the same way backwards? Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

|For more than 30 years, New York magazine has run a contest in which contestants take a well-known foreign language expression, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression. Here are some favorites.Harlez-vous fran?s?CAN YOU DRIVE A FRENCH MOTOCYCLE? Cogito Eggo Sum.I THINK; THEREFORE I AM A WAFFLE. Rigor morris.THE CAT IS DEAD.Repondez-vous s’il vous plaid.HONK IF YOU’RE SCOTTISH. Que sera serf.LIFE IS FEUDAL. Posh mortem.DEATH STYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS. Pro Bozo publicoSUPPORT YOUR LOCAL CLOWN. Ap?Moe le deluge.LARRY AND MOE GOT WET. Haste cuisine.FAST FRENCH FOOD. Veni, vidi, vice.I CAME, I SAW, I PARTIED. Mazel ton.TONS OF LUCK. Aloha oy.LOVE; GREETINGS; FAREWELL; FROM SUCH A PAIN YOU SHOULD NEVER KNOW. Visa la France.DON’T LEAVE YOUR CHATEAU WITHOUT IT. L’?t, c’est moo.I’M BOSSY AROUND HERE.Cogito, ergo spud.I THINK, THEREFORE I YAM.(OK, more than 1 letter.) Veni, vidi, velcroI CAME, I SAW, I STUCK AROUND.(OK, another exception.)

|Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser.”"Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.”Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. “I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn’t care.” The second Englishman remarked, “You just don’t know how to set him off…watch and learn.” So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!”"Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.”Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. “You’re right. He’s unshakable!”The third Englishman remarked, “Boys, I’ll really tick him off… just watch.” So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!”"Yeah, that’s what your buddies were trying to tell me.”

|A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says “Sorry, you know the law, you’ve got to go back across the border right now.” The mexican man pleads with them, “No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!” The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I’m going to make it hard for him and says “Ok, I’ll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence”. The Mexican man of course agrees. The Border Patrol Agent tells him, “The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence.” The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, “Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?”