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I never actually grapsed the whole “Trick or treat” ultimatum.Giving candy to grateful, adorable children or receiving a bag of flaming animal excrement on your doorstep-is this a choice?-Jerry Seinfeld

I had my appendix removed. There was nothing wrong with it, I just did it as a warning to the other organs in my body to shape up or they’re out of there-Charlie Viracola

My HMO is terrible. They charge me for a self-examination.It’s a flat fee.-Wendy Liebman

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?-George Carlin

The IRS says they can’t give back 80 million dollars in refunds because they don’t have addresses for the taxpayers. Yeah, they can’t find you when they owe YOU money-Jay Leno

The IRS announced that obese Americans are entitled to certain tax breaks. Apparently, under the new rules, you’re allowed to claim two or more chins as dependents.-Conan O’Brien

Do you ever get the vuja day feeling? Not deja vu. This is vuja day: the strange feeling that none of this has ever happened before-George Carlin

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.-Mitch Hedberg

An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an “Escalator temporarily out of order” sign, just “Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”-Mitch Hedberg

The EPA is conducting a $700,000 dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. “Pollution? It’s those damn trees.”Jay Leno